City Boy 2: Alaskan Bugaloo
by Unassailable Heart
Summary: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, and a few others go to the Alaskan wilderness for survival training. It doesn't go as planned.


Roy Harper, aka Arsenal, raised an eyebrow at the rather small boy standing in front of him.

"So what do you know about this?" he asked, certain the answer would be 'not much'.

Jason Todd, the current Boy Wonder scrunched up his nose. "Well, I know the name of those bugs that are freaky looking and scream all the time and never stop."

Roy was confused. "You mean cicadas?"

Jason nodded. "Yeah, those!"

"Jay I don't think there are cicadas in Alaska-"

"Are you two ready for some wilderness survival?" Oliver Queen asked, swinging his pack onto his shoulder.

"Wally's mentor takes him to the movies," muttered Roy, grabbing his own pack. "Come on, let's get this over with."

Bruce handed Jason a backpack, and they headed into the woods.

"Sooo…. How big is it?" Jason asked, tugging at his pack straps.

"How big is what?" asked Oliver.

"You know," Jason gestured at the foliage around them. "The outdoors."

Oliver opened his mouth, shut it, and then turned to Bruce. "Maybe you should answer this one."

Bruce sighed and muttered something about the difficulties of raising a child. "We're in the Tongass forest, Jason."

"I know," said Jason. "But how big is it? Maybe we could be done by lunch."

"This is gonna be really bad," whispered Oliver.

"Jay, its sixteen million, seven hundred and forty eight thousand, and three hundred and sixty acres."

Jason froze.

Then screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"

"Jay, it's-"

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"

"Jason Peter-"

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!"

"Ja-"

"Aaaaaa-" Jason scream was cut off as Roy dumped a water bottle onto his head. He coughed for a moment, then sniffed and wiped his face on his sleeve. "Thanks Roy. Do it again."

"Um," Roy shrugged. "Ok."

"Don't do that," said Oliver.

"Jay?" Bruce asked cautiously. "You ok now? Got that all out of your system?"

Jason nodded. "I will be, once I wake up."

"Wake up?"

Jason nodded again. "Yeah, this has to be a nightmare. My adopted dad and mentor would never drag me out in the middle of some godless forest for completely useless wilderness training, I live in a city. And I'm probably sleeping there right now." He walked over and sat on a log. "I'll wake up any minute now."

Oliver looked at Bruce. "Your kid's delusional."

Bruce shot him a Bat Glare (patent pending) and sat down next to Jason.

"We're spending a weekend here, Jason. I told you all this. One weekend, learning valuable skills, then we'll go home."

Jason sniffled. "Do you promise? Because I was watching this show, and people die out here all the time. And they're never found. Or they're driven insane from- excessive outdoorseyness. Or they have to eat each other to survive." Jason looked at his mentor with sad eyes. "I get so hungry, Bruce, I could eat a whole Green Arrow all by myself."

Bruce patted his head. "If the time comes, you can have him."

"Hey! That's sick!"

"Anyways, I have a communicator. When we're done, Alfred will send the Batplane here to pick us up."

"Can we please get this trip started now?" Roy begged.

"At least my sidekick's excited about this," Oliver said smugly.

"Are you kidding? The sooner we start, the sooner this ends, and I can go home."

"Haha, Roy hates this too!" Jason jeered. "Except his mentor isn't Batman, so there are no redeeming features in his life right now."

"… I'm actually very hurt."

…

"Mooses."

"Meese."

"Mice."

"No, that's taken."

"Moosi?"

"That can't be right."

"I think it's just moose," said Oliver.

"That's dumb," said Roy.

"It is Moose," confirmed Bruce.

"It does make a strange sort of sense," said Jason.

"I suppose," conceded Roy

Oliver threw his hands up.

Bruce stopped suddenly, causing Roy and Jason to bump into him.

"We're near water. We can catch some fish for dinner."

"One time, I ate fish out of a dumpster. I had to fight this rabid cat for it. Then I had to get shots in my stomach for six months," Jason said.

"I told you I'd have Alfred make you what you wanted for dinner, but you're so stubborn," retorted Bruce.

"Is he serious?" whispered Oliver to Roy.

"Why would I know?"

…

"You're not going to do something drastic, like make me build my own fishing pole or something, are you?" Jason asked his mentor.

"Do you know how to make one?"

"I watched Tom Sawyer."

"Good enough."

"I bet arrows would be great for fishing," Roy said.

Oliver stroked his goatee. "Nah, Batarangs would be more effective."

Roy rolled his eyes. "Seriously? Your name is Green Arrow, and you're arguing against arrows? This is why no one likes you."

"Getting real tired of your attitude, Roy."

"You're both wrong," said Bruce, snapping together a fishing pole. "Fishhooks are best for fishing. Grab a pole."

A few minutes later, all were peacefully fishing on the bank.

"So how many colors does moss come in?" Jason asked.

"Askin' the real questions now," Roy said, twitching his fishing pole. "Why?"

"Because there's a brown moss covered rock coming toward us."

"What?"

"What?"

"Bear!" yelled Oliver.

The bear, startled by the sudden sound, stood up and snarled.

"The one time I leave my bear repellent bat spray at home," muttered Bruce. "Alright, everyone back away slowly…"

Oliver and Roy followed his instruction, backing into the woods, and Jason backed down towards the stream, away from the angry bear, which snarled and advanced on Oliver and Roy.

"Ok," Bruce said calmly, continuing to back up. "Let's split up and meet back at that large rock where we took a water break, the bear can't follow all of us."

Everyone nodded agreement to this, except Jason, who had slipped off of the bank and fallen into the river, the quiet splash being noticed by no one.

Suddenly, another bear joined the first one, aggressively roaring and growling.

"Scatter," ordered Bruce. "Now."

Ollie, Roy, and Bruce ran off in different directions.

…

"Worst vacation ever," muttered Roy, as Ollie applied a bandage to a cut on his leg.

"Has anyone seen Jason?" Bruce interrupted.

Ollie shook his head. "Not since the creek. I'm sure He'll show up any minute, Bruce."

"He's pretty fast and small, I'm sure the bear didn't get him," added Roy.

…

A few miles away, a water logged Jason pulled himself out of the river, coughing up some water and collapsing on the bank. After resting for a moment, he sat up and looked around.

"Bruce?"

No answer.

"Bruce! Roy, Ollie!"

A few birds startled at the sudden noise, but that was all the answer Jason received.

"I am not dying in a stupid wood. That's so undramatic. Nope, not today death, this is not how Robin dies" Jason said, as he set off into the trees.

…

"See, here's where his footprints lead to the edge," Roy pointed out. "He probably fell into the river and was washed downstream."

Bruce scowled. "Then lets head downstream."

They followed the river, looking carefully for any signs that Jason had climbed out.

"Maybe one of us should cross over and look on the other side," suggested Ollie.

"I'll go," offered Roy, using a fallen tree as a bridge.

"The river's moving fast, there's a good chance he wouldn't have been able to get out until it slows down," said Bruce. "And he's not that good a swimmer..."

"But hes smart," assured Ollie. "He's fine, Bruce. Probably sitting in a tree waiting for you right now."

…

"Help me out here, will ya Robin Robin?" Jason asked the bird sitting next to him in the tree. "I need more sticks."

Robin Robin (who was not a Robin but who on earth knows what sort of birds live in Alaska? Only Bat birds live in Gotham) pecked at his wing and didn't move.

"Have I told you my plan? I'll tell you. You know, you're not nearly as good a conversationalist as Bruce. He at least grunts when I ask him something. I usually take that as a yes. But he's learning not to do that since the time I asked if I could try jumping off of a building without a line like Dick does. Man that would have been awesome. But back to my plan. In the city, I was told if I ever got lost to stay in one place and Bruce would find me," Jason said, adding a few more sticks to his pile. "Bruce told me that, obviously. My real parents forgot they had a kid most of the time. But if that rule applies in the city, then out here in this hellish wilderness, the opposite must apply, because everything is backwards," Jason paused to offer Robin Robin a bug he had found among his sticks. "So I will move around a lot. That's seems logical. Man, I sound like Spock. He's hilarious. I first saw Star trek the first week I lived in Wayne Manor, I got totally lost on a walk and walked into the wrong Manor. Good thing the only person home was this weirdo nerd kid who was taking pictures out the window. He asked me to watch Star trek with him for a while. It was ok."

Robin Robin flew up a few branches.

"Come on, time to move on," said Jason, leaving the small nest he had built in the tree. "That's for you, Robin Robin. When you have a bird wife, you can take her to a custom built nest. It'll be nice"

…

Bruce stood up. "This is definitely where he came out."

"Oh good," said Roy, relieved. "He was washed down river for almost a mile."

Bruce nodded. "He's got to be tired. If he stays in one place, we should find him before sunset."

Ollie looked up at the sky. "Are you sure? Sunset is only about three hours away."

Bruce followed the slight signs of Jason's path. "We'll find him."

Ollie and Roy followed. "He'd getting pretty upset about this whole thing."

"You're right Ollie. Every sidekick who gets lost wants the reassurance that their mentor isn't searching for them as hard as they can."

"Attitude, Roy."

…

In the gloom of early night, Jason crouched next to a small fire, nervously scanning the bushes at every rustle.

"Well Robin Robin, I have re invented fire. When no one finds me in this vast woodland graveyard, this will probably be useful."

Robin Robin pecked at the ground a few feet away.

"Now, if I could only find something to eat. I'm seriously hungry. I mean, I thought I'd at least get lost with everyone else, so we'd be able to stage gladiator fights to see who would be dinner that night," Jason said, watching Robin Robin eat a beetle he had found.

"So. Are those beetles and good?"

Robin Robin didn't answer.

Jason poked around the dirt until he found one.

"Only one way to find out."

…

Around a blazing campfire a few miles away, Bruce Bat Glared (patent pending) across the flames at Roy and Ollie.

"Look, Bruce," Ollie explained. "We can't find Jason in the dark, and I happen to think Roy's and my survival is pretty important also. We've been searching all day, with almost no stops. We'll rest here, then pick up his trail again in the morning, when we can see."

Bruce grunted. "Hh. I'm going to sleep."

"That's bat language for 'I agree with you but won't say it," Ollie explained to Roy.

Roy tugged his blanket tighter around his shoulders. "I see. Ollie?"

"Yeah Roy."

"Jason is probably fine, right? Because I'm not sure he's ever been outside before."

Ollie set up his own sleeping bag. "He's fine, he was trained by Batman. Plus,the kid's smarter than he looks."

Roy thought about this. "Ok, if you're sure."

"Course I'm sure. Go to sleep, we'll find the kid in the morning. Night Roy, night Bruce."

"Shut up Ollie," said Bruce.

"Well sweet dreams to you to, Bats."

…

" _Why am I wet?"_ shrieked Jason upon waking up. "Oh, it drizzled. Come back, Robin Robin, crisis averted. Time to find food! I'll use my shirt for a fishing net, It'll totally work."

Robin Robin didn't disagree tot his plan, so Jason ripped tears in his shirt. "Hey Robin Robin, have you ever eaten raw fish? My fire went out."

…

"So he managed to make a fire," Bruce said. "Fairly recently."

"Good, we've been following him for almost two days now," said Ollie.

"So when we find him we can go home, right?" Roy asked.

Bruce grunted.

"I'm gonna take that as a yes."

"Lets split up and look around for Jason, he can't be far," Bruce said, ignoring Roy.

"Meet up here in an hour?" Ollie asked, walking off away from Bruce.

"Yeah."

Ollie walked through the woods, keeping an eye out for any lost kids.

A rustle of leaves made him pause for a moment, but nothing moves, so he continued. There was a snap behind him, and as Ollie whirled around, something dropped on him from above.

" _BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS!"_

Ollie forever denied that his screech was girly.

It didn't take long for Roy and Bruce to run over, and by that time Ollie had wrestled the sharp stick away from Jason and been bitten twice.

"Bruce control your monster child!" Ollie yelled as Jason tried to gnaw his finger. "Youch!"

Bruce raised an eyebrow. "Jason, I have food in my pack."

Jason stopped attacking Ollie. "Oh good, I haven't eaten much since those beetles."

"Those what?" asked Roy.

Bruce shook his head. "Just don't tell Alfred."

And inquisitive bird landed on a branch above Jason's head an dropped a grub on him. Jason pointed up. "This is Robin Robin, my trusty sidekick."

"No," said Bruce.

"No what?"

"Just no."

There was a sudden screech from the sky, and an hawk swooped down from the treetops and snatched Robin Robin before anyone could move.

Jason gasped.

Roy awkwardly patted Jason's shoulder.

Jason gasped again then took a deep breath.

"Well you can't save em all," he said.

"oh, he's fine," said Roy. "Lets go. Someone call the Batplane."

Jason gasped again.

"Jay where's your shirt?" asked Bruce.

"We can leave!" yelled Jason. "Karma isn't real, thank goodness."

"I'm glad I don't have three kids," muttered Bruce, taking out a communicator.

"Worst vacation ever," complained Roy.

"I'm still hungry," whispered Jason intensely.

Bruce ruffled his hair. "Jay, do me, you, and everyone else a favor."

"Yeah?"

"Never leave Gotham city."

"Ha, you couldn't pay me to."


End file.
